Sex is good. That’s where we start. The Orthodox Church teaches that sexual intimacy within marriage is a gift from God, a holy thing, not something dirty or shameful that we tolerate because humans are weak. When a man and woman marry in the Church, their sexual union becomes part of the sacrament itself, the physical expression of two people becoming one flesh, one life, one spirit in Christ.
This surprises people sometimes. If you grew up Baptist or in purity culture, you might’ve gotten the message that sex is dangerous at best, a necessary evil for making babies. If you came from the secular world, you might think the Church sees sex as outdated or oppressive. Neither is true. We believe God created our bodies and called them good. Christ became flesh, which means He sanctified the body forever. Marriage is one of the seven Holy Mysteries (what the West calls sacraments), and sexual intimacy is part of that mystery.
More Than Making Babies
The Orthodox Church has never taught that sex is only for procreation. That’s a common misconception. Yes, we’re open to children. The wedding service includes prayers for “fruit of the womb.” But the primary purpose of marital intimacy is union, the two becoming one in a way that images the Holy Trinity’s communion of love. St. Paul calls this a “great mystery” when he talks about marriage reflecting Christ and the Church.
Think about it this way. God is three Persons in perfect love, eternally giving themselves to one another. Marriage is meant to be an icon of that, two people learning to give themselves completely, holding nothing back. Sex is the physical sign and seal of that self-giving. It’s not just biology. It’s not just pleasure (though pleasure isn’t bad). It’s the body speaking what the heart promises: I’m yours, you’re mine, we’re one.
This is why the Church restricts sexual intimacy to marriage. Not because sex is bad, but because it’s so good, so powerful, so binding that it needs the protection of lifelong commitment. When you sleep with someone, St. Paul says, you become one flesh with them whether you intended to or not. That’s not a metaphor. It’s a spiritual reality. Outside marriage, that bond gets formed and then torn apart, and it damages people. Inside marriage, blessed by the Church and sustained by the Holy Spirit, it becomes part of your path to holiness.
The Body Matters
We’re not Gnostics. We don’t believe the body is a prison or that physical things are inferior to spiritual ones. Christ rose from the dead in a body. We’ll all be resurrected in bodies. The Eucharist is Christ’s actual Body and Blood. Matter matters in Orthodoxy.
So when we talk about sexual purity, we’re not talking about being ashamed of having a body or pretending you don’t have desires. We’re talking about offering your whole self, body, mind, heart, sexuality, to God so He can heal it and make it what it was always meant to be. That’s theosis, becoming by grace what God is by nature. Your marriage bed is part of that process.
This means married couples don’t approach intimacy with guilt or fear. You’re not doing something barely permissible. You’re living out your sacrament. The marriage service crowns you as king and queen, martyrs for each other, heirs of the Kingdom. Your love for each other, including physical love, is meant to be a taste of the Kingdom here and now.
What About the Rules?
People coming from other Christian backgrounds sometimes expect a list of what’s allowed and what isn’t. Orthodoxy doesn’t quite work that way. We have guidelines, sure. The Church asks married couples to abstain during certain fasting periods, not because sex is unclean, but because fasting is about focusing on prayer and preparing for feasts. It’s the same reason we don’t eat meat or dairy during those times. Everything in its season.
But we don’t have a legalistic rulebook for the bedroom. Your priest isn’t going to interrogate you about specifics. The principle is this: does what you’re doing express mutual self-giving love? Does it honor your spouse? Does it help you grow in holiness together? If you’re using your spouse, if there’s coercion, if you’re bringing lust for someone else into your marriage bed, that’s a problem. But within the bond of marriage, there’s freedom.
This is different from both secular culture and purity culture. The secular world says sex is just recreation, no strings attached, do whatever feels good. That’s a lie that leaves people empty and broken. Purity culture says sex is dangerous and shameful, something you white-knuckle your way through until marriage and then magically it’s fine. That’s also a lie, and it’s done real damage. Orthodoxy says sex is powerful, sacred, and good when it’s where it belongs, in a marriage that’s trying to become an icon of Christ’s love for the Church.
Living It Out
So what does this look like practically? You get married in the Church. You receive Communion together. You pray together. You fast together. You raise your kids in the faith. You forgive each other about a thousand times. You learn that love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice you make every day, and sexual intimacy is one way you make that choice tangible.
Some weeks you’re working opposite shifts at the plant and you barely see each other. Some seasons you’re exhausted from newborns or teenagers or aging parents. Some years you’re dealing with illness or grief or just the long middle of marriage where nothing’s dramatic but you have to choose faithfulness anyway. The Church doesn’t pretend marriage is easy. That’s why we crown you as martyrs. But the Church does promise that if you live your marriage as a sacrament, Christ is present in it. The Holy Spirit binds you together in a way that goes deeper than romance or compatibility.
If you’re an inquirer wondering whether you can live this, here’s the truth: you can’t, not on your own. None of us can. But that’s why we have the Church, the sacraments, confession, spiritual fathers, the prayers of the saints. Marriage in Orthodoxy isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being willing to be healed, together, over a lifetime. And yes, that includes your sexuality. God wants to redeem all of you, not just the parts that seem spiritual.
Fr. Alexander Schmemann wrote that the world was created as a wedding feast. Marriage is meant to show us what that means, two people learning to feast on the love of God and share it with each other. Sex is part of that feast. Not the whole thing, but a real part, a good part, a holy part when it’s lived in the light of the Kingdom.
