You’re not imagining it, and you’re not alone. Almost every convert and catechumen feels like an outsider at some point. It’s normal.
The feeling shows up in different ways. You don’t know when to stand or sit. Everyone else seems to know the responses by heart while you’re fumbling with a book. People chat in the hall about feast days and saints you’ve never heard of. Maybe there’s a lot of Greek or Arabic you can’t follow. Maybe everyone seems to know everyone else’s kids and grandkids and you’re just standing there with your coffee. It’s awkward. And it can last a while.
But here’s what matters: this feeling isn’t a sign you don’t belong. It’s a sign you’re new. There’s a difference.
What You’re Actually Experiencing
Some of what feels like exclusion is just unfamiliarity. The Orthodox Church has a rhythm you haven’t learned yet. We stand for the Gospel. We venerate icons. We know when to cross ourselves. If you grew up Baptist or non-denominational here in Southeast Texas, none of that was part of Sunday morning. It takes time to learn a new language, and liturgy is a language.
Some of it is cultural, not theological. If you walked into a parish where half the people speak Arabic or Greek at coffee hour, that’s not the faith keeping you out. That’s just people talking the way they talk at home. It can feel the same, but it’s not. The Church is for you as much as for them. The Liturgy is in English. The mysteries are the same. You’re being grafted into something ancient that transcends any one culture, even if it doesn’t always feel that way on a Sunday morning.
And some of it is social. Parishes are like any community. People have known each other for years. They have inside jokes. They assume you know things you don’t. That’s not malice. It’s just human. But it doesn’t make it easier when you’re the new person.
How Long Does This Last?
It depends. For some people, a few months. For others, a year or two. The acute feeling of being lost usually fades as you go through catechism and start to learn the services. But feeling fully at home, like you really belong? That can take longer. Don’t rush it. You’re not just learning information. You’re being formed into a new way of life.
The Church understands this. That’s why we have a catechumenate. You’re not expected to show up one Sunday and be Orthodox by the next. Conversion is a process. So is belonging.
What Actually Helps
Go to catechism class. I know that sounds obvious, but it matters more than you think. Structured instruction gives you a framework. You learn why we do what we do. You learn the theology behind the gestures. And you meet other people who are new, which helps you realize you’re not the only one who feels lost.
Talk to your priest. Not just once. Regularly. Ask him the questions that feel dumb. Tell him when you’re struggling. A good priest expects this. He’s not surprised that you feel like an outsider. He’s dealt with it before. Let him guide you. That’s what he’s there for.
Get involved in something. Volunteer for coffee hour. Join the choir if they’ll have you (and most will). Help set up for a feast day. Offer to paint a classroom or organize the bookstore. You’ll form relationships faster by working alongside people than by just showing up on Sundays. Shared work builds bonds.
Ask someone to sit with you and walk you through the service. Most parishes have people who are happy to do this. They’ll show you when to stand, when the key moments are, what’s happening at the altar. It’s less overwhelming when someone’s next to you explaining things.
Be patient with yourself. You’re going to mess up. You’re going to feel awkward. You’re going to stand when everyone else sits or sit when everyone else stands. It’s fine. Nobody’s judging you as harshly as you’re judging yourself. The people who’ve been Orthodox their whole lives don’t remember what it’s like to be new, but the converts do. Find them. They get it.
What the Church Believes About This
We believe the Church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. You’re not supposed to have it all figured out. You’re supposed to be in process. Theosis, becoming more like Christ, takes a lifetime. Feeling like an outsider right now doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re at the beginning.
The Church also believes in the communion of saints. You’re not just joining a local parish. You’re being grafted into a body that stretches back two thousand years and includes everyone who’s ever been united to Christ. That’s bigger than any one congregation’s social dynamics. When you’re chrismated, you’ll be just as Orthodox as someone whose family has been Orthodox for ten generations. The grace is the same.
One More Thing
If your parish isn’t welcoming, that’s a problem with the parish, not with you. Some parishes are better at hospitality than others. Some have gotten so comfortable with each other that they forget what it’s like to be new. If you’ve been trying for months and nobody’s reached out, talk to your priest. A healthy parish wants you there. If something’s broken, it needs to be addressed.
But most of the time, what feels like coldness is just awkwardness on both sides. You don’t know how to break in. They don’t know how to include you without being pushy. Somebody has to make the first move. Sometimes that’s you. Introduce yourself. Ask questions. Show up consistently. People warm up when they see you’re serious.
You won’t feel like an outsider forever. One day you’ll realize you know the responses without thinking. You’ll have friends you sit with. You’ll know which kid belongs to which family. You’ll be the one welcoming the new person who looks as lost as you once did. It happens. Give it time.
