You keep your fast. That’s the short answer. But you keep it with wisdom, charity, and a lot of conversation.
Fasting is your personal spiritual discipline, not something you impose on your household. It’s between you and God, guided by your priest. Your spouse didn’t sign up for Orthodox fasting when they married you (or when you became Orthodox), so you can’t expect them to live by rules they don’t share. What you can do is practice your fast faithfully while keeping peace in your home.
Talk before you fast
Here’s where most people mess this up. They wait until Wednesday morning and announce, “I can’t eat that, I’m fasting,” and suddenly breakfast becomes a theological argument. Don’t do that.
Sit down with your spouse before Lent starts (or before you begin keeping Wednesday and Friday fasts) and explain what you’re doing and why. Keep it simple. “Fasting helps me pray and clear my heart to receive God’s grace. It’s part of how the Church prepares for big feasts. I’d like to keep the fast, and I want to talk about how that’ll work for our meals.”
Then listen. Your spouse may have concerns. They might worry you’re judging their eating. They might not want to cook two separate dinners. They might think you’re joining some weird cult. (If you’re in Southeast Texas and your family’s all Baptist, they definitely think that last one.) Address those concerns directly. Reassure them you’re not asking them to fast, you’re not judging them, and you’ll figure out meals together.
Practical meal strategies
You’ve got options. Pick what fits your household.
Option one: Cook meals everyone can eat. Beans and rice. Spaghetti with marinara. Vegetable stir-fry over rice. Lentil soup. Plenty of foods are accidentally vegan and genuinely good. Make those your base meals during fasting periods. Your spouse might not even notice they’re fasting meals. If they want meat, they can add it themselves or you can cook a small portion separately at the end.
Option two: Cook a fasting meal for yourself and let your spouse handle their own protein. You make the vegetables and grains, they grill their chicken or heat up leftovers. This works well if you’ve got a spouse who’s comfortable in the kitchen.
Option three: Prepare everything separately. This is the most work, but sometimes it’s necessary. You eat your lentils, they eat their steak. You’re still eating together, which matters more than eating the same thing.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s keeping your fast without making your spouse feel excluded or burdened.
When to bend
Fasting is medicine, not law. If keeping a strict fast is going to create serious conflict in your marriage, talk to your priest. He can give you guidance specific to your situation. Maybe you fast strictly when you’re eating alone but relax the rules at family dinners. Maybe you keep the Wednesday and Friday fasts but ease up during longer fasting seasons. Maybe you’re pregnant or working nights at the refinery and your priest tells you to focus on prayer instead of food.
Economia exists for situations like this. The Church is pastoral, not legalistic. Your priest would rather you keep a modified fast and a peaceful home than keep a perfect fast and drive your spouse away from ever considering Orthodoxy.
What fasting isn’t
Fasting isn’t a weapon. Don’t use it to prove you’re holier than your spouse. Don’t sigh dramatically when they eat a burger on Friday. Don’t make a show of your discipline. Christ said when you fast, wash your face and don’t look gloomy. That applies double when you’re married to someone who isn’t fasting.
Fasting also isn’t just about food. If you’re keeping a perfect fast but snapping at your spouse because you’re hungry, you’ve missed the point. The fast is supposed to make you gentler, more patient, more loving. If it’s doing the opposite, something’s wrong.
An invitation, not a demand
Over time, your spouse might get curious. They might ask why you’re doing this. They might try a fasting meal and realize it’s actually pretty good. They might even want to join you for part of the fast. Let that happen naturally. Answer their questions. Invite them to church. Cook them something delicious that happens to be Lenten.
But don’t pressure them. The Orthodox faith spreads by witness, not coercion. St. Peter wrote that a believing spouse might win over an unbelieving spouse “without a word” by their conduct. That applies here. Your faithful, joyful practice of fasting might do more to draw your spouse toward Orthodoxy than any argument ever could.
If you want to read more about this, Ancient Faith Ministries has a helpful podcast called “Marriage, Sex, and Lent” that addresses fasting in marriage with real pastoral wisdom. And talk to your priest. He’s dealt with this before. You’re not the first Orthodox Christian in a mixed marriage, and the Church has been navigating these situations for two thousand years.
