Date with marriage in mind. That’s the short answer. Dating isn’t recreation or a way to meet your emotional needs. It’s discernment for one of the Church’s holy mysteries.
This sounds intense if you’re coming from a background where dating is just what you do in high school and college. But Orthodox Christianity doesn’t separate romance from the rest of life. We don’t have a “secular world” and a “church world.” There’s just one world, and Christ is Lord of all of it. That includes your Friday night plans.
Start with Yourself
Before you worry about finding someone, work on your relationship with God. Presvytera Lilyan Andrews, who wrote Waiting and Dating: An Orthodox Christian Guide for Navigating Singleness and Godly Relationships, puts it bluntly: you can’t give what you don’t have. If you don’t know how to love God and receive His love, you won’t know what healthy love looks like in a relationship.
She talks about three core relationships that need to be strong before you’re ready to date. Your relationship with God comes first. Do you pray? Not just when you’re stressed about finals or need a parking spot, but actually pray? Do you go to Liturgy because you want to, or because your parents make you? Second, your relationship with yourself. Do you know you’re loved by God, or are you looking for someone to validate you? Third, your relationship with others. Can you love your neighbor, serve without expecting anything back, give without keeping score?
Dating someone won’t fix what’s broken in those three areas. It’ll just add another person to the mess.
What to Look For
Here’s what you don’t do: scan the room for the most attractive person and see if there’s chemistry. That’s not discernment. That’s biology.
Look instead for someone who shows the fruit of the Spirit. Is this person kind? Patient? Do they have self-control, or do they lose their temper when things don’t go their way? Are they gentle with people who are struggling? Do they have joy that doesn’t depend on circumstances? These are the things that matter when you’re trying to build a life with someone.
Spend time in groups with other Orthodox Christians. Watch how people act when they’re not trying to impress anyone. The guy who’s rude to the waitress but sweet to you is showing you who he really is. The girl who gossips about her friends will gossip about you. You want someone you’d want to become more like, not someone you’re trying to fix.
And yes, they need to be Orthodox. I know the options feel limited, especially here in Southeast Texas where our parish might be the only Orthodox church for fifty miles. But marrying someone who doesn’t share your faith isn’t a small thing. It affects everything: where you go on Sunday morning, how you raise your kids, whether you can fast together, whether icons will be in your home. Some people make it work, but it’s harder than you think when you’re twenty-two and in love.
The Chastity Question
Sex is for marriage. Full stop. Not engagement, not “we’re basically married,” not “we’re in love and committed.” Marriage.
This isn’t some arbitrary rule the Church made up to keep you from having fun. Sexual union is a profound mystery that binds two people together. St. Paul says when you’re joined to someone sexually, you become one flesh. That’s not poetry. It’s reality. And when you break that bond, it tears something in you.
The world tells you that sex is casual, that it’s just physical, that you need to “test drive” a relationship before committing. The Church knows better. Sex outside marriage doesn’t bring you closer. It clouds your judgment and makes you think you’re more bonded than you are. Then when the relationship ends, you’re left with wounds you didn’t expect.
If someone pressures you to compromise on this, that tells you everything you need to know about whether they’re marriage material. Someone who truly loves you will want to protect your purity and theirs. They’ll want to do this right.
Practical Steps
Talk to your priest before things get serious. Not after you’re engaged, not after you’ve been dating for two years. Early. He can help you discern whether this relationship is healthy and whether you’re both ready for marriage. The Church requires premarital counseling, usually with six to twelve months’ notice before a wedding. This isn’t a hoop to jump through. It’s the Church’s wisdom helping you prepare for something that’s much harder than you think.
Pray together. If you can’t pray with someone, you probably shouldn’t marry them. Go to Liturgy together. Fast together. See how they handle Great Lent when they’re tired and hungry and irritable. That’ll tell you more than a dozen romantic dinners.
Introduce them to your family. See how they treat your mom, your little brother, your grandmother. Watch how they handle conflict. Do they shut down? Blow up? Actually talk things through?
Don’t rush. American culture treats marriage like the finish line, like once you find “the one” you’re done. Orthodox marriage is the beginning of a lifelong ascetic struggle to die to yourself and love another person the way Christ loves the Church. You want to make sure you’re starting that struggle with someone who’s committed to the same goal.
When It’s Hard
Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “That’s great, but there’s literally no one at my parish in my age range.” I get it. Orthodox communities in places like Beaumont aren’t exactly overflowing with single Orthodox Christians in their twenties.
Ancient Faith Ministries runs retreats for Orthodox singles. There are online communities. Some people have met spouses at Antiochian Village or other Orthodox camps and conferences. It takes more intentionality than it would if you were Baptist and could just meet someone at one of the three megachurches in town.
But don’t compromise on faith because it’s hard. Trust that God knows what He’s doing. Stay plugged into your parish. Grow in your relationship with Christ. Become the kind of person you’d want to marry. And be patient. The goal isn’t to be married by twenty-five. The goal is to become a saint, whether you’re married or single.
If you’re already dating someone and realizing you haven’t approached it this way, it’s not too late. Talk to your priest. Go to confession. Reorient the relationship around Christ. And if the other person isn’t willing to do that, you have your answer about whether this is the right relationship.
Dating in the Church isn’t about finding someone who makes you happy. It’s about finding someone you can struggle toward holiness with, someone who’ll help carry you to the Kingdom. That’s a much higher bar than “do we have fun together?” But it’s also a much better foundation for a life.
