A spiritual father is a priest who guides you through the Christian life like an experienced climber helping someone up a mountain they’ve never scaled before. He’s not your therapist, not your life coach, and not someone who makes decisions for you. He’s a companion who knows the terrain of prayer, repentance, and spiritual warfare because he’s walked it himself.
The term comes from the Greek pneumatikos pater, literally “spiritual father”, and it’s rooted in how St. Paul spoke of his relationship with the churches he founded. “I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel,” he told the Corinthians. That’s the model. A spiritual father helps birth you into deeper life in Christ and then raises you in it.
What does he actually do?
Your spiritual father hears your confession. That’s the foundation. But it goes beyond the sacrament itself. He gets to know your particular struggles, your patterns of sin, your temperament, your circumstances. When you confess pride, he knows whether that means you’re a people-pleaser who can’t say no or a know-it-all who won’t listen. The penance he gives you isn’t generic, it’s medicine for your specific illness.
He also helps you discern. Should you take that job? Is this relationship healthy? How do you handle your mother-in-law who thinks Orthodoxy is a cult? He won’t always give you direct answers. Sometimes he’ll ask questions that help you see what you already know but haven’t admitted. Sometimes he’ll tell you to pray about it for two weeks and come back. Sometimes he’ll say, “That’s a terrible idea, and here’s why.”
In the monastic tradition, spiritual fathers guide their disciples in intense, daily spiritual combat. Monks might disclose their thoughts every single day, seeking counsel on the passions they’re battling. That level of relationship isn’t typical for laypeople. You’re not a monk. You’ve got a job at the refinery, kids in school, a mortgage. Your spiritual father understands that. He’s helping you live the Christian life in Beaumont, not Mount Athos.
Do you have to have one?
No. Let’s be clear about that. Having a spiritual father in the full, traditional sense isn’t required for most Orthodox Christians. You need to go to confession regularly, that’s not optional. But whether your confessor becomes your spiritual father in this deeper sense depends on the relationship that develops, your needs, and his availability.
Some priests hear confessions for dozens of families. They can’t possibly have that intensive relationship with everyone. That’s fine. You can live a faithful Orthodox life going to confession regularly without having a spiritual father in the classical sense. What matters is that you’re actually confessing, actually seeking guidance, actually trying to grow.
That said, if you can develop this kind of relationship, it’s a gift. Especially for converts, who often come to Orthodoxy carrying wounds from previous church experiences or from years outside the Church entirely. Metropolitan Saba of the Antiochian Archdiocese has emphasized the need for “experienced and mature spiritual fathers” who can help converts navigate not just Orthodoxy’s theology but its whole way of life.
How do you find one?
You don’t go shopping for a spiritual father like you’re picking a dentist. The relationship usually develops organically. You start going to confession to one of the priests at your parish. Over time, you realize his counsel helps you. You trust him. He knows you. You ask if he’d be willing to serve as your spiritual father, and he agrees.
Sometimes it doesn’t work that way. Maybe your parish priest is young and inexperienced, or maybe you just don’t connect with him spiritually even though he’s a good priest. In that case, you might seek out a more experienced priest at another parish or monastery, with your own priest’s blessing. This isn’t about finding someone who’ll tell you what you want to hear. It’s about finding someone who can actually help you become holy.
Be careful, though. The spiritual father relationship requires humility and obedience on your part, which means it can be abused by a priest who’s controlling or immature. Real spiritual fathers don’t demand total control of your life. They don’t isolate you from other relationships. They don’t claim to be infallible. The relationship is voluntary, mutual, and always has God as the true director through the Holy Spirit.
What about women?
Women can have spiritual fathers too. The term doesn’t change, it’s still “spiritual father,” not “spiritual parent.” Some women find it easier to open up to a priest who’s fatherly and safe. Others struggle with it and wish they could speak to a woman. The Orthodox Church doesn’t have female priests, so this is a reality we live with. A good spiritual father understands the awkwardness and handles it with discretion and care.
Living it out here
In Southeast Texas, where most of us didn’t grow up Orthodox, this whole concept can feel foreign. Your Baptist relatives don’t have anything quite like it. Catholics have something similar, but it’s not identical. You might feel weird about it at first. That’s normal.
Start simple. Go to confession regularly to the same priest when you can. Ask him questions. Let the relationship develop naturally. Don’t try to force some ideal of what you think a spiritual father relationship should look like based on stories about Russian startsy or desert fathers. You’re learning to be Orthodox in 2025 in Texas, not in fourth-century Egypt.
If you’re at St. Michael, talk to Fr. Michael. If you’re still inquiring, ask about how confession and spiritual guidance work here. The goal isn’t to find some guru who’ll solve all your problems. The goal is to have a guide who can help you stay on the path toward God when the way gets confusing or hard. And it will get hard. That’s when you’ll be grateful you don’t have to figure it out alone.
