Start with your parish priest. That’s the direct answer most converts don’t want to hear, because we’ve read about desert elders and Russian startsy and we think finding a spiritual father means tracking down some holy monk in the mountains who can read our souls. But the tradition is simpler and more accessible than that.
Your parish priest is your confessor. He’s the one who knows your life, hears your confession, and can guide you through the practical questions that come up when you’re learning to be Orthodox. Can you have a spiritual father who isn’t your parish priest? Yes. But you shouldn’t go looking for one somewhere else until you’ve actually worked with the priest right in front of you.
Here’s why this matters in Southeast Texas. You’re probably driving thirty minutes to get to St. Michael, maybe more if you’re coming from Orange or Vidor. Your priest is already stretched thin with services, hospital visits, and everything else that comes with running a small parish. He doesn’t need you treating him like he’s not good enough while you search for some famous elder you heard about on a podcast. That’s not humility. That’s pride dressed up as spiritual ambition.
What a Spiritual Father Actually Does
A spiritual father isn’t a life coach or a therapist. He’s a priest who hears your confession regularly, knows your struggles, and gives you specific guidance about your prayer life, your fasting, your relationships. He might tell you to add a certain prayer or cut back on one that’s making you anxious. He might say you’re not ready to fast as strictly as you want to. He might tell you to reconcile with your Baptist mother instead of arguing about icons.
The relationship works because it’s regular and honest. You can’t have a spiritual father you see once a year. You need someone you confess to frequently, someone who can actually track what’s happening in your soul over time. Metropolitan Kallistos Ware wrote about this: the spiritual father is a physician of the soul, but he can’t diagnose you if he only sees you when you’re in crisis.
This isn’t about finding someone perfect. Your priest is human. He’s going to have bad days. He might give you advice that doesn’t quite fit, and you’ll need to come back and talk through it again. That’s normal. The saints tell us that even an imperfect guide is better than wandering around on your own, making up your own rules and convincing yourself it’s the Holy Spirit.
The Practical Steps
Ask your priest if he’ll be your confessor. Just say it directly: “Father, I’d like to confess regularly and receive your guidance. Will you be my spiritual father?” He’ll probably say yes. Then ask him how often he thinks you should confess. Monthly is common for laypeople. Some priests will say before every communion, especially early on.
When you confess, be specific. Don’t just say “I’ve been angry.” Say what you did, what triggered it, how often it’s happening. Your spiritual father can’t help you if you’re vague. And then listen to what he tells you to do. If he says to pray for the person you’re angry at, do it. If he says to stay off social media for Lent, stay off. This is where obedience comes in, and obedience is how the relationship actually works.
You’re not promising to obey everything forever without question. You’re promising to take his guidance seriously, to try what he suggests, and to come back and tell him honestly how it went. If something he’s asking seems impossible or spiritually harmful, you talk to him about it. You don’t just ignore him, and you don’t just comply while resenting him.
What If It’s Not Working?
Sometimes the fit isn’t right. Maybe your priest is newly ordained and he’s still learning. Maybe his personality clashes with yours in a way that makes confession harder instead of easier. Maybe you need someone with experience in a particular area he doesn’t have.
If that’s the case, talk to him. Say something like, “Father, I’m struggling with this relationship. Can you help me figure out what to do?” He might adjust his approach. He might refer you to another priest, maybe someone at another Antiochian parish or a monastery. What you don’t do is ghost him and start confessing to someone else without telling him. That’s not how this works.
And be honest with yourself about why you want to switch. If it’s because he told you something you didn’t want to hear, that’s probably a sign you need to stay. If it’s because he’s actually causing harm or violating the seal of confession or something serious like that, then yes, you need to find someone else and you might need to talk to the bishop.
You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone
The whole point of having a spiritual father is that you’re not alone. You’re part of the Church, and the Church gives you a guide who can help you navigate the mess of your own heart. It’s not complicated. It’s not mystical in the sense of being inaccessible. It’s a priest, a regular confession schedule, and a willingness to actually do what he tells you.
If you’re at St. Michael and you haven’t asked Fr. Michael about this yet, just ask him after Liturgy next Sunday. He’s been waiting for you to bring it up.
